Got questions,
troubles, inexplicable problems, wonderings on this, and that,
and, oh, that?
Dear
Aunt Gwenda: Vol. 2
(a Q & A production)
Q:
"Fore!" cries Archway. He has shanked, past the lake and the stream
running into it and over the beach into the foaming sea. Underwater
a vent sends up sulfur bubbles -- encased in one, his small yellow
ball rises to the surface.
But in what activity is Archway engaged?
(1) Golf
(2) Writing a poem
(3) Writing a song
(4) Writing a check
I look forward to your assistance in this matter.
A: I thought shanking involved stabbing people
in a prison with a cell-made shiv or possibly carving a nice spot
of lamb with said shiv. But let's examine the options before us,
SAT-takerlike. Golf? No, no. Poemtry? No, no again. Songetry? Paul
is dead. Check writing? Some ways yes (sensory), some ways no (lack
of ink). Based on these options, I would have to say Archway is
hopelessly embroiled with the wrong word.
Q: I've been watching those clean-out-your-life-and-clutter
TV shows for a few months and decided it was time to hit my own
clutter. My question to you is should I keep the stack of letters
from my old boyfriend/first love or do I chuck them out since it's
been years and I'm very happy with my current significant other?
I haven't read them since we broke up, but I'm having a hard time
parting with them.
-- Sentimental Fool
A: Sentimental fools are the best kind. You should
stow the letters in a cooking pot you never use in the deepest recesses
of a kitchen cabinet. If you move, you must repeat this procedure.
That way when you die, others will find them and have an enjoyable
and possibly important afternoon reading them. Also, get your current
significant other to write some letters for comparison and squirrel
those away too.
Q: Global warming isn't fast enough. What do I have
to do to change things in Washington, D.C.?
A: Is it possible to change things in Washington,
D.C.? The answer is sadly no, for people are too happy with their
thick steaks and nubile interns; let's move the capitol elsewhere
and start fresh.
[Cue ominous classical music] But whatever you do, don't vote for
Nader this year. I can't promise real, substantial change if The
Dynasty falls but, as Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson have proven,
the American people must believe "Something's gotta give."
Q: I have a summer cold and I want a good black
and white movie or three to watch. I don't want one with a smarmy
git or a heroine who melts in the end.
I also want some ginger ale, or tea, maybe some soup, but hopefully
those won't appear on these pages, otherwise they might get messy.
So, films?
A: I hope your summer cold is gone now (or possibly
has returned). Melting heroines and black and white leaves The
Wizard of Oz right out. Here are three excellent summer cold,
b&w movies:
Midnight (1931) -- "Every Cinderella gets her midnight."
The Blue Gardenia (1953) -- "For drinks, Polynesian Pearl
Divers, and don't spare the rum!"
The Loved One (1965) -- "This botched, patched-together
movie is a triumphant disaster -- like a sinking ship that makes
it to port because everybody aboard is too giddy to panic. They're
so high and lucky they just float in. Perhaps they didn't even notice
how low they'd sunk." -- Pauline Kael
Q: What's the best time of year to prune grapevines?
A: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
I call it making baby jesus cry.
This good advice
dispensed in LCRW
No. 14.
If you have a moral dilemma or
unanswerable math problem, we suspect the answer lies just a few
drinks away at your local bar. However, if you'd rather hear it
from Aunt Gwenda, email or write to us and we'll send it on.
