Fact Checking Department
Library of Alexandria
Egypt
FROM: Dept. Head
TO: Editor
SUBJECT: Submissions for volume 2, number 1
DATE: September 25, 1998
Enclosed is a brief summation of major points on the latest batch
of submissions to the magazine. The summation here is brief
as you should have the completed report by this time (Editor's Note:
the report itself, while I don't doubt it's existence, has yet to
make an appearance). As this is being sent telegramatically
I shall keep it short.
Perpetual Motion - Dora Knez
Great story, but we advise you to hold onto it as yet. We have
contacted agents, lawyers, booking agencies, manufacturers and Head
Waiters in all the Best hotels, anyone and everyone who might be
in any way connected to such a high profile artist as Malfi. None
of them could supply an address, most seemed not to have heard of
him. I fear we may have created a 'buzz' around him however,
so care should now be taken with anyone claiming to be him.
Similarly with the lizards. We found extensive references to
them in scientific literature but no interplanetary ships are ever
mentioned. This is being researched more deeply. There are
companies named Boeing and Pratt & Whitney (much to our surprise)
and also Rolls-Royce. However with the latter company the final
owner of the name (either BMW or Volkswagen) is still in doubt and
we advise leaving it to the motoring magazines. We personally
know Douglas and despite his being an artist he has stated thast
he has never produced anything entitled DC-8 or DC-10. We put Seigfried
to work on the title. So far he has managed to procure a grant,
a university laboratory, a research team and a wife. He has
yet to make headway on the title.
Hollywood's Masterpiece: James Dean - Joe Bills
We spent a long time looking at the photo of the cute boy through
the barbed wire. While there was a lot of stuff in the article
and most of it seemed
true it distracts from the picture. Cut it in half and enlarge
the picture. My god, those cheekbones. Publish, he'll be a
star.
My Friend, Eustace - Gavin J. Grant
This was easy: we called all your friends. None answered to
the name Eustace. One became threatening. You can't publish
this, we'd have to
resign.
The Grand Gesture - Tim Emswiler
Aaron Copeland wrote a Third Symphony, ok. "Fanfare for
the Common Man," ok. But here's the thing--there's a part
of it, about a minute and a half worth of the second movement that
I simply can't remember. I can remember the gist of it, but
not the specific notes. There's something about this story that
makes my teeth itch. Bicycles, the oddly named Slinky's and
Frisbees all exist. After heavy research we have yet to locate
a dentist named Floss. Hold this story until dental work is
complete (partial bill included).
watch tissue - David Findlay
Again, this presented difficulties. We found a David Findlay
living in Stoke-on-Trent, England, who, for a small annual consideration
in perpetua (see attached contract and bill) agreed to participate
in an experiential re-enacting of this poem. Between that and the
problem with my Grandmother and the parrots, we
advise against this one.
Illumination - Sareen Grant
It appears that Motley Crue once played a show at the Cavern Club,
Liverpool, dressed as tyre men, little yellow birds, or shepherds. Or
maybe all three. We have found a cheese press (included as Appendix
14(ii) with the report). In a random sampling of 1000 UK adults
(air ticket charges included below) we did not find anyone who took
their hat off to it. Therefore pass.
The Money Tree - Nalo Hopkinson
This author certainly exists, our cabin, sorry, tea-boy saw her
on Blue Peter. All that Anglified spelling needs to be changed,
and prawns are shrimp in the US. We again used David Findlay to
research whether the mind has an eye or not. Mr. Findlay declared
he would bloody well see us in court. While his vision seems
a little different from ours, it does appear to work, therefore
this phrase passes muster. Our team that went in search of Jackson's
gold has yet to return, but in the meantime we have confirmed the
presence of a Water Table under both the Caribbean and Toronto.
Opinion: Hold this one until the team reports back.
Blind Faith - Stuart Davies
Forget it. Welsh rugby? Even with a coach from New Zealand
they don't stand a chance. Also, God's existence has yet to
be proven, neither is it known whose side It would be on. This
is the kind of poetry that even Welsh Radio would refuse to read.
Academia - Euan Reilly
We pondered this for a long time. All of us have spent many
years in the revered halls and this poem differs so greatly from
our experience. Then we realised the author must be a cleaner. Ok.
Art of Passion - Gaston
The questions addressed (and undressed) here were great. Young
Meadows had to be quietly taken aside after she attempted contemplation
of them with Mr. Spender of Accounts. We anticipate many such
problems and therefore advise passing on this. As you will
therefore not require the manuscript we have kept it.
Survivor's Ball, or The Donner Party - Kelly Link
Another difficult one. The Donner Party attempted to cross
the US but failed to find any of the major highways or truck stops. They
took the American ethos of consumption too far and ate each other. This
thing about them being in New Zealand is claptrap. The geographical
features mentioned do exist but we found neither any town named
Serenity nor any jasper for sale. We felt it was all some kind of
fantasy of the author's. On rejecting it you might suggest
Mr. Link submit it to a suitably fantastic magazine such as The
Wall Street Journal, Exchange & Mart &c.
That concludes the summation of the report, which I hope was rendered
redundant by your receiving the original in the mail. The third
box was mailed a few days after the others, so it may be late. I
hope these statements of facts and facts checked help with your
publication decisions and reduce future legal costs. The Defence
Fund, as I need hardly remind you, is still reeling after the H.
Belloc affair. Please let me know when the next batch of submissions
to be checked,
Ever your servant,
I. McIttup
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